Who am I ?

From one to many

I am a very curious person. When I walk around outside or even when I'm just sitting in a public place...or let’s say just as soon as I am with other people – regardless of if I’m seated or standing there is nothing I don’t see or notice. I am so curious and interested that I am never able to read a book or do anything else in public that could need my attention or concentration rather than observing the human being. Observing people. Watching them do whatever they're doing and however random it may be. It is interesting to me. My curiosity for people though goes even further. Sometimes it’s not enough to just watch them – I need to find out what’s inside of them. Now please don’t panic, I don't mean their innards, but their personality, what's going on in their minds, who they are, what touches them, how they respond to me and more. 

Sometimes, maybe because I am not only driven by the heart but I also love to give and receive love and tingly feelings, I want to get to know them in that special kind of way. And I literally go „hunting“ for them. I’ve got pretty good detective skills by now. Or should we say stalker skills? But no, I have never followed anyone anywhere and I have never done anything that could really scare someone. Although... once when I was in love with my female English teacher I searched for a hair of hers on the classroom floor as soon as she had left the room. I didn't even want to use the hair for black magic things or a love spell - I just wanted it, because it was so special to me. I felt closer to her when I had it. I think I glued it into my diary back then. I never told her of course. I should probably go ahead and find the diary entry with that hair. Or rather not?

Where was I ? Oh right. So, ever since I was a young girl I have been a big flirt – receiving attention and giving other people special attention or affection has always made me happy. It is a part of my personality that I couldn't change even if I wanted to (and I don’t really want to!). The fact that I identify as bisexual (isn’t everyone to some extent?), allows me to find someone appealing in almost every situation. There are just so many wonderful men and women in this world. And isn’t it just amazing to fancy someone or have a crush on somebody? Doesn’t it make life so much brighter and meaningful? I have always had the best marks in school when I've fancied the teacher of that subject. Just with mathematics it didn't really work. But then again who would ever fall in love with their maths teacher? Not even me... ok, I admit it. I just lied to you. I HAVE been in love with my math teachers, too. Please don't judge me.

I've just recently really started to reflect a lot on all of this about myself. "All of this" meaning the fact that I fall for people relatively quickly and that I have much love to give inside me. In some way I always knew and noticed that I fancied many different people for their different personality, look and traits, but I did still romantically believe in being with only one person and living in a monogamous relationship. And I do experience this tiny thing called JEALOUSY quite a lot. Basically I am jealous about almost everything. If Im walking around with my best friend in the streets and a complete stranger smiles at her instead of at me, I feel some kind of jealousy. Or even if someone just says something nice about somebody else in some way I am offended. It is totally stupid, I know, and I really want to change that, but that's honestly how I feel. Although on the other hand I am always happy if someone else says something nice about somebody just because that's how it should be. People should be admiring and respecting each other and thinking positive about each other. 

After loosing my wonderful boyfriend who I’ve spent the last 3 years with, I have to start all over in understanding who I am and what I want in love and life (will I ever know?). Maybe this blog will help me in finding out. Maybe it will help you finding out, too. 

“Where should I go?" -Alice.

"That depends on where you want to end up." - The Cheshire Cat.”

(Carroll, Lewis: Alice in Wonderland)