Childhood memories that last.

Dad and his depression

Growing up with a parent who is suffering from chronic depression isn't easy. To be honest it is very difficult and tough and it can affect you and your personality a lot. It basically affects all of your life... or at least it has effected all of mine. The impact of depression on family relationships can be strong, the effects of parental depression on children even stronger: Research has shown that "one of the most profoundly significant effects of depression on the family is the increased risk that children of a depressed parent will develop depressive disorders and other forms of psychopathology" (Hammen&Watkins, 2008, p.133): Half of the offspring of depressed parents will develop disorders. Actually...amongst all reasons and causes for depression, having a depressed parent is one of the strongest known risk factor for having a depression."The reasons for the negative impact of parental depression on children include a variety of genetic and environmental possibilities" (Hammen&Watkins,2008, p.133). 

So far I've been spared from depression, but then again I am only 23 and also I have got enough other psychological problems and difficulties. Trust me.

My father has always had some kind of depression. Since I've known him I noticed something wasn't completely right with him. Maybe I didn't exactly know something wasn't right, but I did notice that something didn't feel right or that I didn't feel right when I was with him. And I was with him a lot, because my Mom has a job that has made her travel all around the world for weeks at a time even when I was just a young child. My dad's depression goes back even further, to the time my sister and I weren't even alive yet ( I want to clarify this because my dad to this day blames my sister and me ( and partly my mom) for his depression). He doesn't talk about his depression too much and I don't like asking him because when I do, in the end all he does is reproach and blame me for everything he can't handle in his life and everything that makes him unhappy although the truth is that he himself is the only reason why he is unhappy. He is unhappy with himself. "People who feel depressed tend to have different views of themselves and the world about them than people who are not depressed"(R.Robbins, 2009, p.60). And who could be happy living with the one self you can't stand? „Your mood colors the way you perceive your environment, the people about you and yourself. If you are in a happy mood, you tend to look at others and yourself through rose-colored glasses. Everything seems right with the world. There is, indeed, some truth in the feeling that when you’re happy, the whole world seems happy, too [...].When you are feeling in a sad mood, you tend to look at things with a negative perspective. Gone are the rose-colored glasses. Now you are wearing very dark ones. And this overflow of bleak mood can affect the way you look at yourself" (R.Robbins, 2009, p. 7).

My mom told me that my dad has always had some sort of depression. She met him AND his depression when she saw him for the first time. That time, about 30 years ago, my dad was a very good-looking (he still is, though he is quite old by now), charming artist and heartbreaker. He always had lots of girlfriends and he never wanted to marry...well until he met my mom. I think he did want to marry her but her parents also kind of pressured him to do it rather quick. Im not sure if my dad ever got exactly this kind of depression diagnosed by a real psychiatrist, but my mom, my older sister and I are sure that he suffers from "manic depression" newly known as "bipolar disorder", a special kind of depression. 

About 1 in every 100 adults has bipolar disorder at some point in their life. People with bipolar disorder have severe mood swings that usually last several weeks or months and are far beyond what "normal" or healthy people experience. They are "depressive" meaning that they feel intensly depressed and despaired, "manic" or high meaning that they feel extremely happy and "mixed" where in a depressed mood with the restlessness and overactivity of a manic episode. If I were the one to diagnose my dad I'd say he is a Bipolar II: They've had more than one episode of severe depression, but only mild manic episodes in comparison to Bipolar I (cf. http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/bipolardisorder.aspx). But what happens during the depressed or manic episodes? What do people experience during that time? And what about my dad? What about me, as a child, growing up with him?

Manic episodes I've experienced through my dad were that he usually suddenly was palsy-walsy with me and tried making lots of jokes (which I didn't think were funny because I didn't feel it was really him talking to me in these moments. He felt like a stranger to me because most of the time I've experienced him in a depressed mood and being more or less mean to me). During mania he usually buys or collects lots of things we don't actually need. Often he just buys too many groceries or he finds old furniture in the streets that are for free and collects them. Sometimes he makes crazy and unrealistic plans of changing the house and building to it or... even changing the world. He has always thought he had stronger physical strengths than he really had and has. This also made him take serious risks with his safety more than once. He really must have a dozen of guardian angels guarding him. And I bet they never sleep. 

During my dads more depressive episodes, so basically almost 80 % of the time, he's just very upset and down. He sleeps a lot during the day and I don't feel like he ever really does anything. I see him just wandering around in and outside of the house, thinking about what to do next but not really ever doing anything. He doesn't have many friends because he has pushed them away from him, he usually doesn't like invitations too much ( I also think he is afraid of them) and throughout his life he has often mentioned in some way wanting to end his life. Even when I was younger I heard him say things like "Maybe I should just fall down the stairs and die." "Thoughts of suicide and attempted suicide are characteristic of patients with bipolar disorder. Studies [...] indicated that about half of the bipolar patients studied had at some time in their lives made a suicide attempt“ (R.Robbins, 2009, p. 25). Though I've always felt very sorry for him, I hated him for being the way he was. This is also because he wasn't just depressed for himself, but he was psychologically agressive towards my mother, my sister and me and he infected us with his toxic depression: „Anger sometimes takes the form of a deep sense of resentment. We are talking about people who may become frustrated by what is happening in their lives. They may be frustrated by not being able to do what they want, or their views of reality may be so negatively skewed that they are not able to enjoy what they are accomplishing. When this happens, the person may feel like a ’victim, looking at the world about her or him as unfair’. Developing resentment may be directed against one’s family and friends, or turned inwardly against one self" (R.Robbins, 2009, p.68).

Gladly it never really got physical, but as we all know, words hurt just as much as physical pain. And having to experience that kind of pain on a regular basis doesn't make it less hurtful. You never get used to the pain of getting told you are worthless, stupid, cant do anything right, are the cause of someones depression, never help out at home. „Beck reported that while outside observers might consider the negative ideas of depressed patients to be farfetched, the patients felt they were reasonable and true“ (R.Robbins, 2009, p. 63). Even today there are days where I question, if maybe I really am worthless and stupid and should have done more for my dad. Gladly half of the times I remember, that my father has always been a sick person and that I am not allowed to believe, what he accuses me of being. I have to stop myself from believing it...

 I've written down some things he's said for a while, this is a little bit of what I've collected: 

"Id rather be in prison than being with you."

"I dont have anyone to talk to."

"You dont do anything for me. Its been this way for years."

"Ive just got enough."

"I should have stayed unmarried in the city I was born."

"Hopefully I break my neck so I've finally got my ease."

I also found some diary entries from the past about my dad... they're pretty scary, but at that time (mostly between 10 and 18) I did think about him in that way.... it's a bit better today, because I've learnt to cope with it a little better, but basically it still feels like shit being around him for a long time.

"I can't anymore. My blood should splash out of my veins! I'm never praised for anything. I do everything wrong and I am treated that way... he can never say anything nice to me, he can just accentuate my flaws. It hurts so much. I can't and don't want to anymore." 

"He is the worst person I know. He's the person I hate the most. Guess who: my god damn father. I want to kill him. He always tells us were stupid, lazy, are too stupid to do anything."

"Sometimes I think my father is not human. He treats me without respect, he smears dirt on me, he says so very bad things. I can't understand it."

“There were a billion lights out there on the horizon and I knew that all of them put together weren't enough to light the darkness in the hearts of some men.” 
― Michael Connelly, The Scarecrow

Sources:

Hammen, Constance and Watkins, Edward (2008): Depression. Psychology Press, New York 

Goodwin, Guy and Sachs, Gary (2010): Bipolar Disorder. Health Press Ltd., Oxford

K. Goodwin, Frederick and Redfield Jamison, Kay ( 2007): Manic-depressive illness. Bipolar disorders and recurrent depression. Oxford University Press, Oxford

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/bipolardisorder.aspx

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-moods-symptoms/#.Vovc35PJz-Y

R.Robbins, Paul (2009): Understanding Depression.Mc Farland & Company, Inc., Publishers,Jefferson, North Carolina, London