Childhood memories that last.

Dad and his depression

Growing up with a parent who is suffering from chronic depression isn't easy. To be honest it is very difficult and tough and it can affect you and your personality a lot. It basically affects all of your life... or at least it has effected all of mine. The impact of depression on family relationships can be strong, the effects of parental depression on children even stronger: Research has shown that "one of the most profoundly significant effects of depression on the family is the increased risk that children of a depressed parent will develop depressive disorders and other forms of psychopathology" (Hammen&Watkins, 2008, p.133): Half of the offspring of depressed parents will develop disorders. Actually...amongst all reasons and causes for depression, having a depressed parent is one of the strongest known risk factor for having a depression."The reasons for the negative impact of parental depression on children include a variety of genetic and environmental possibilities" (Hammen&Watkins,2008, p.133). 

So far I've been spared from depression, but then again I am only 23 and also I have got enough other psychological problems and difficulties. Trust me.

My father has always had some kind of depression. Since I've known him I noticed something wasn't completely right with him. Maybe I didn't exactly know something wasn't right, but I did notice that something didn't feel right or that I didn't feel right when I was with him. And I was with him a lot, because my Mom has a job that has made her travel all around the world for weeks at a time even when I was just a young child. My dad's depression goes back even further, to the time my sister and I weren't even alive yet ( I want to clarify this because my dad to this day blames my sister and me ( and partly my mom) for his depression). He doesn't talk about his depression too much and I don't like asking him because when I do, in the end all he does is reproach and blame me for everything he can't handle in his life and everything that makes him unhappy although the truth is that he himself is the only reason why he is unhappy. He is unhappy with himself. "People who feel depressed tend to have different views of themselves and the world about them than people who are not depressed"(R.Robbins, 2009, p.60). And who could be happy living with the one self you can't stand? „Your mood colors the way you perceive your environment, the people about you and yourself. If you are in a happy mood, you tend to look at others and yourself through rose-colored glasses. Everything seems right with the world. There is, indeed, some truth in the feeling that when you’re happy, the whole world seems happy, too [...].When you are feeling in a sad mood, you tend to look at things with a negative perspective. Gone are the rose-colored glasses. Now you are wearing very dark ones. And this overflow of bleak mood can affect the way you look at yourself" (R.Robbins, 2009, p. 7).

My mom told me that my dad has always had some sort of depression. She met him AND his depression when she saw him for the first time. That time, about 30 years ago, my dad was a very good-looking (he still is, though he is quite old by now), charming artist and heartbreaker. He always had lots of girlfriends and he never wanted to marry...well until he met my mom. I think he did want to marry her but her parents also kind of pressured him to do it rather quick. Im not sure if my dad ever got exactly this kind of depression diagnosed by a real psychiatrist, but my mom, my older sister and I are sure that he suffers from "manic depression" newly known as "bipolar disorder", a special kind of depression. 

About 1 in every 100 adults has bipolar disorder at some point in their life. People with bipolar disorder have severe mood swings that usually last several weeks or months and are far beyond what "normal" or healthy people experience. They are "depressive" meaning that they feel intensly depressed and despaired, "manic" or high meaning that they feel extremely happy and "mixed" where in a depressed mood with the restlessness and overactivity of a manic episode. If I were the one to diagnose my dad I'd say he is a Bipolar II: They've had more than one episode of severe depression, but only mild manic episodes in comparison to Bipolar I (cf. http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/bipolardisorder.aspx). But what happens during the depressed or manic episodes? What do people experience during that time? And what about my dad? What about me, as a child, growing up with him?

Manic episodes I've experienced through my dad were that he usually suddenly was palsy-walsy with me and tried making lots of jokes (which I didn't think were funny because I didn't feel it was really him talking to me in these moments. He felt like a stranger to me because most of the time I've experienced him in a depressed mood and being more or less mean to me). During mania he usually buys or collects lots of things we don't actually need. Often he just buys too many groceries or he finds old furniture in the streets that are for free and collects them. Sometimes he makes crazy and unrealistic plans of changing the house and building to it or... even changing the world. He has always thought he had stronger physical strengths than he really had and has. This also made him take serious risks with his safety more than once. He really must have a dozen of guardian angels guarding him. And I bet they never sleep. 

During my dads more depressive episodes, so basically almost 80 % of the time, he's just very upset and down. He sleeps a lot during the day and I don't feel like he ever really does anything. I see him just wandering around in and outside of the house, thinking about what to do next but not really ever doing anything. He doesn't have many friends because he has pushed them away from him, he usually doesn't like invitations too much ( I also think he is afraid of them) and throughout his life he has often mentioned in some way wanting to end his life. Even when I was younger I heard him say things like "Maybe I should just fall down the stairs and die." "Thoughts of suicide and attempted suicide are characteristic of patients with bipolar disorder. Studies [...] indicated that about half of the bipolar patients studied had at some time in their lives made a suicide attempt“ (R.Robbins, 2009, p. 25). Though I've always felt very sorry for him, I hated him for being the way he was. This is also because he wasn't just depressed for himself, but he was psychologically agressive towards my mother, my sister and me and he infected us with his toxic depression: „Anger sometimes takes the form of a deep sense of resentment. We are talking about people who may become frustrated by what is happening in their lives. They may be frustrated by not being able to do what they want, or their views of reality may be so negatively skewed that they are not able to enjoy what they are accomplishing. When this happens, the person may feel like a ’victim, looking at the world about her or him as unfair’. Developing resentment may be directed against one’s family and friends, or turned inwardly against one self" (R.Robbins, 2009, p.68).

Gladly it never really got physical, but as we all know, words hurt just as much as physical pain. And having to experience that kind of pain on a regular basis doesn't make it less hurtful. You never get used to the pain of getting told you are worthless, stupid, cant do anything right, are the cause of someones depression, never help out at home. „Beck reported that while outside observers might consider the negative ideas of depressed patients to be farfetched, the patients felt they were reasonable and true“ (R.Robbins, 2009, p. 63). Even today there are days where I question, if maybe I really am worthless and stupid and should have done more for my dad. Gladly half of the times I remember, that my father has always been a sick person and that I am not allowed to believe, what he accuses me of being. I have to stop myself from believing it...

 I've written down some things he's said for a while, this is a little bit of what I've collected: 

"Id rather be in prison than being with you."

"I dont have anyone to talk to."

"You dont do anything for me. Its been this way for years."

"Ive just got enough."

"I should have stayed unmarried in the city I was born."

"Hopefully I break my neck so I've finally got my ease."

I also found some diary entries from the past about my dad... they're pretty scary, but at that time (mostly between 10 and 18) I did think about him in that way.... it's a bit better today, because I've learnt to cope with it a little better, but basically it still feels like shit being around him for a long time.

"I can't anymore. My blood should splash out of my veins! I'm never praised for anything. I do everything wrong and I am treated that way... he can never say anything nice to me, he can just accentuate my flaws. It hurts so much. I can't and don't want to anymore." 

"He is the worst person I know. He's the person I hate the most. Guess who: my god damn father. I want to kill him. He always tells us were stupid, lazy, are too stupid to do anything."

"Sometimes I think my father is not human. He treats me without respect, he smears dirt on me, he says so very bad things. I can't understand it."

“There were a billion lights out there on the horizon and I knew that all of them put together weren't enough to light the darkness in the hearts of some men.” 
― Michael Connelly, The Scarecrow

Sources:

Hammen, Constance and Watkins, Edward (2008): Depression. Psychology Press, New York 

Goodwin, Guy and Sachs, Gary (2010): Bipolar Disorder. Health Press Ltd., Oxford

K. Goodwin, Frederick and Redfield Jamison, Kay ( 2007): Manic-depressive illness. Bipolar disorders and recurrent depression. Oxford University Press, Oxford

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/bipolardisorder.aspx

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-moods-symptoms/#.Vovc35PJz-Y

R.Robbins, Paul (2009): Understanding Depression.Mc Farland & Company, Inc., Publishers,Jefferson, North Carolina, London

Loving many.

Polyamory

Poly- what? Polygamy? 

NO! PolyAMORY. 

polyamory, n.

The fact of having simultaneous close romantic relationships with two or more other individuals, viewed as an alternative to monogamy, esp. in regard to matters of sexual fidelity; the custom or practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned (Oxford English Dictionary, 2006).

I have been spending the past few months getting information about polyamory, watching documentaries, talking to polyamorous people, going to polyamorous meetings and more, because I feel that living polyamorous could be something that would suit me. Before I tell you why I think this might be something for me, I want to tell you some more about polyamory. 

The word polyamory is Greek and Latin and can be translated as “many loves” (poly means many + amor means love). "A polyamorous person is someone who has or is open to having more than one romantic relationship at a time, with the knowledge and consent of all their partners. A polyamorous relationship is a romantic relationship where the people in the relationship agree that it’s okay for everyone to be open to or have other romantic partners" (https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html). With polyamory the focus isn't usually on the sexual side but on deep emotional level. Being poly doesn't mean that you are cheating because everyone involved knows about and agrees to everyone else’s involvement.

(cf. https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html)

Many people think that a person who has more than one love can’t give their whole heart to the people involved. They think that if you love one person, you are able to express your love wholeheartedly, but if you love more people, your love has to be divided up and is therefore less (strong). This is based on the “starvation model” of love. It says that you’ve only got a limited amount of love - so if you fall in love with another person, you have to withdraw the love from the first person. Of course that is not really true, because love is not the same thing as money. With money, yes, you have only a limited amount to spend, and when you give it to one person you have less left to give to another, but love is obviously different. When you love more than one person, you realize that the more love you give, the more you have to give. (cf. https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html)

There is so much more to learn about polyamory, but this was a basic introduction. Please inform yourself further in the world wide web!

And here’s why I think I might be poly or poly-interested. Could you be, too?

I’ve always fallen in love quickly. I’ve always been interested in more than one person at the same time. Even while being in a serious monogamous relationship I have felt like I wanted to date other people, too and this wasn't at all just about sexual things but rather because I was so interested in these people. I have a lot of love to give and I think there are so many special and wonderful people I'd like to get to know in this world and I'd like to have more than "friends-feelings" with. Although I'm not sure If I can imagine sharing my lover (and being happy with that) because of my jealousy, it still is a wonderful imagination to me...because of the jealousy and some other things in my mind, I am starting to look into "Serial Monogamy",too, which I just tripped over this evening. It's not like I am "looking into" it, it’s more that I can imagine that what I have been doing actually might be something that Serial Monogamists do - I’ve just never had a word for it (wow, the word „serial“ makes it seem so scary and bad. It makes me immediately think of serial killers). Serial Monogamy is "the practice of having a number of long-term romantic or sexual partners in succession" (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/serial+monogamy). I will probably post about that soon, too. 

Below are just some old diary entries I've found that might either hint to "Polyamorous Love" or "Serial Mongamy" or even fears of commitment or relationships. Important: Polyamory has nothing to do with fears of commitment because you are basically commiting a lot and to more than one person. Serial Monogamy on the other hand can have something to do with fears, too, because you can’t handle very long-term-based relationships and don’t want to become too commited.

"I dont understand myself. Every day there is a new woman who I fantasize about or fancy... there are at least 6 already I think about all the time... [...] I dont understand myself... how can it be that so many women stir my blood? Im in love with all of these women... "

"I dont know what I feel and for whom I feel. I cant distinguish between love, being in love or liking someone."

"Oh my, dear diary, you have to save me. Im running from one to the next story without having an aim. Dates and love affairs but never a normal relationship. It's enough to drive one to despair."

 

Main Source: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html

Who am I ?

From one to many

I am a very curious person. When I walk around outside or even when I'm just sitting in a public place...or let’s say just as soon as I am with other people – regardless of if I’m seated or standing there is nothing I don’t see or notice. I am so curious and interested that I am never able to read a book or do anything else in public that could need my attention or concentration rather than observing the human being. Observing people. Watching them do whatever they're doing and however random it may be. It is interesting to me. My curiosity for people though goes even further. Sometimes it’s not enough to just watch them – I need to find out what’s inside of them. Now please don’t panic, I don't mean their innards, but their personality, what's going on in their minds, who they are, what touches them, how they respond to me and more. 

Sometimes, maybe because I am not only driven by the heart but I also love to give and receive love and tingly feelings, I want to get to know them in that special kind of way. And I literally go „hunting“ for them. I’ve got pretty good detective skills by now. Or should we say stalker skills? But no, I have never followed anyone anywhere and I have never done anything that could really scare someone. Although... once when I was in love with my female English teacher I searched for a hair of hers on the classroom floor as soon as she had left the room. I didn't even want to use the hair for black magic things or a love spell - I just wanted it, because it was so special to me. I felt closer to her when I had it. I think I glued it into my diary back then. I never told her of course. I should probably go ahead and find the diary entry with that hair. Or rather not?

Where was I ? Oh right. So, ever since I was a young girl I have been a big flirt – receiving attention and giving other people special attention or affection has always made me happy. It is a part of my personality that I couldn't change even if I wanted to (and I don’t really want to!). The fact that I identify as bisexual (isn’t everyone to some extent?), allows me to find someone appealing in almost every situation. There are just so many wonderful men and women in this world. And isn’t it just amazing to fancy someone or have a crush on somebody? Doesn’t it make life so much brighter and meaningful? I have always had the best marks in school when I've fancied the teacher of that subject. Just with mathematics it didn't really work. But then again who would ever fall in love with their maths teacher? Not even me... ok, I admit it. I just lied to you. I HAVE been in love with my math teachers, too. Please don't judge me.

I've just recently really started to reflect a lot on all of this about myself. "All of this" meaning the fact that I fall for people relatively quickly and that I have much love to give inside me. In some way I always knew and noticed that I fancied many different people for their different personality, look and traits, but I did still romantically believe in being with only one person and living in a monogamous relationship. And I do experience this tiny thing called JEALOUSY quite a lot. Basically I am jealous about almost everything. If Im walking around with my best friend in the streets and a complete stranger smiles at her instead of at me, I feel some kind of jealousy. Or even if someone just says something nice about somebody else in some way I am offended. It is totally stupid, I know, and I really want to change that, but that's honestly how I feel. Although on the other hand I am always happy if someone else says something nice about somebody just because that's how it should be. People should be admiring and respecting each other and thinking positive about each other. 

After loosing my wonderful boyfriend who I’ve spent the last 3 years with, I have to start all over in understanding who I am and what I want in love and life (will I ever know?). Maybe this blog will help me in finding out. Maybe it will help you finding out, too. 

“Where should I go?" -Alice.

"That depends on where you want to end up." - The Cheshire Cat.”

(Carroll, Lewis: Alice in Wonderland)

Starting the blog.

Dear reader of this blog,

W e l c o m e ! 

Welcome to this world of my own! 

(well, almost my own. Just 3083639573 - and increasing(!) - potential readers. This number means about 3 billion. Just in case you weren't sure how to read this (don't worry, I'm bad with numbers, too).

I’ve been wanting to start a blog like this for a veeeeeeery loooooooong time, but I've always had excuses (blah blah blah) - you know what I mean - but finally I've started and if you're reading this I am not only doing this blog for myself but I am also reaching someone with this. What an achievement. Yeah! 

I do not want to explain in detail what this blog is about. I change my mind quickly about what I want or do and also I want to not be defined to a genre or type of blog I am doing. Basically though, this blog is about myself. This might sound a bit vain, but if we're honest, everyone likes to write about themselves and every author of any book or poem or text in some way and to some extent writes about themselves. 

So... here we go!